i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
