I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
