he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
