Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize