I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
