cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
