Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize