I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
