Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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