he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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