It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
