You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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