Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
