There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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