I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
