I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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