forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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