so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
