She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
