are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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