I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
