I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
