Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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