Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
