I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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