I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
