I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
