Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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