I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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