Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
