Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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