currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
