I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
