took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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