I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
