Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
