Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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