I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
