so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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