It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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