he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
