I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
