How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
