I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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