I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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