Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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