Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
