i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
