I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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