Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
