all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize