tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
