The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
