Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize