I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
3 2 1 whiskey
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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