i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
