So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize