Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
