i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
