I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why is there bacon in the couch?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
