So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
