the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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