Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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