.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She bit a glass in half.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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