This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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