its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i believe in u and ur pee
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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