If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
